The Health Brigade: New Heroes in Town

Daily Spirit

October 10, 2007

Steven Glass

Watch out Smoker, there’s a new team in town, and they don’t get their powers from harmful chemicals. In fact, they are so concerned with being health that they have named themselves The Health Brigade.

As of this moment the Brigade consists of four members: Captain Health (the leader) Fiber Fran, Spinach Stu, and Green Mallory. Their mission: to clean up Spirit City.

I do not know how the rest of Spirit City’s denizens will view this new super team, they just announced their existence today, and did not reveal their true identities nor their powers, but I for one, welcome them. I am sick of The Smoker. I am tired of seeing his flaming red hair, and his smug face everywhere I look. I know that he has done a lot of good for this city, but he hurts us everyday as well.

There is no denying it: The Smoker promotes smoking, especially in the city’s youth. What else would you expect? Kids are impressionable, and they have a history of wanting to be like their heroes. The Smoker is the biggest hero in Spirit City, so it is no wonder that children feel they need to take up smoking to be more like him. I know this sounds ridiculous (aside from the Smoker there has been no documented case of cigarettes bestowing power upon people) but they are children and they do ridiculous things all of the time.

And I don’t buy his anti-smoking campaign. If anything, those posters and tv spots where he tells kids to wait until they are 18 to start smoking are a great public relations ploy. First, they get him off the hook for smoking because he can say that he in fact discourages kids from smoking, and has spent millions of dollars on the poster and television campaign to this effect. Second, they get his face out there. Anyone who lives, in Spirit City, whether they just arrived here or have been living here for years, knows who the Smoker is, and they know that he is a “great hero.”

Never mind the fact that his posters exude patriotism and friendliness. He is that happy stranger, the actor on television whom you know of, but don’t really know. He has a friendly face, fights evil, and often speaks at elementary and high school functions. This is important because his status among the youth is on the rise, and, not coincidentally, so is the rate of teen smokers. Five years ago, when the Smoker started his poster campaign, the number of teens who smoked in Spirit was about 12,000. In the latest study released by the Lung Cancer Association last month the number of teens who smoke is now close to twenty thousand. That is a drastic increase (close to 66%), and it has to be due to the Smoker’s increased visibility. There is no denying the data: Despite his best efforts to condemn it, the Smoker has actually increased underage smoking.

So I welcome the Health Brigade, and I can’t wait to see them in action. I attempted to reach the offices of Todd Frost (the Smoker), but as of this writing they have not returned my phone calls. Captain Health, on the other hand, was more than willing to have a little chat with me.

SG: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. What inspired you to form this team?

CH: I look around this city every day, and every day I see it slipping further away from its former glory. The crime rate is on the rise, and our local police and government seem incapable of stopping it. They have come to rely on the Smoker for everything, and I have a problem with that?

SG: It’s no secret that I am not a fan of the Smoker, so I have my own opinions and judgements about him and what he does, but what does the Smoker mean to you? That is, how does the Health Brigade plan to operate in this city when it already has a high profile champion?

CH: We’re just going to go out there and help people, but not only on the crime fighting front. Crime stems from misanthropy and poor living conditions. Diet, income, education–all of these play an important role in why someone commits a crime. It is our hope and mission that we can educate people, and show them that there is an alternative to crime. That’s the main problem with the Smoker: he fights the symptoms but not the cause.

SG: What do you mean by that?

CH: When a bad guy shows up, or there is a robbery in progress, or a woman is being attacked in an alley, what does the Smoker do? He swoops in and stops the crime. He beats up the villain, he breaks the robber’s car, he assaults the would-be rapist, but that does nothing to stop crime as a whole. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what he has done for this city. I, like almost resident of Spirit City, know several people who were rescued by the Smoker, but there has to be a better way.

SG: And the Health Brigade has that better way?

CH: Well, not exactly. I do not want to give the impression that we know what it best for this city, and that it is either our way or now way at all. That is fascism, and we are not fascists. However, we do have progressive ideas that, when implemented, should help to stem the overall crime rate in Spirit City, thereby stopping most crimes before they are even considered. We intend to offer our services to the poorer neighborhood first, and we hope not only to offer them protection, but other essential things like food and clothes. One of Green Mallory’s abilities is to create organic materials out of nowhere. This should help us to provide essential materials to those in need. We have other plans, too.

SG: What are they?

CH: Nothing is set in stone yet, we’ve only been training and planning for a few months, but we hope to start a public campaign similar to the Smoker’s. Only ours will focus on the importance of education and eating right. We are here to help the citizens of Spirit City in all possible ways. It will be tricky at first, but if people give us a chance, I know we can be successful.

SG: Thank you for your time, and I want you to know that you have at least one supporter in me.

CH: Thank you.

The Health Brigade sounds promising, and I truly hope that they can make a difference in our city. If they are successful, we may no longer need the Smoker, and that would be just fine with me.